Lighten your load

Have you ever found yourself carrying a heavy load, someone asks if they can help you and you say, "Nah. I've got this"?  Is that something you would do?  I've done it a million times.  I just don't want to put anyone out so I usually "tough it out" and do it myself. Sure, my back is killing me or my arms hurt by trying to carry all 10 bags of groceries in at the same time, but I get it done -- the hard way. Meanwhile, that person may wonder "Why on earth wouldn't she let me help her?  She looks like she's struggling."  But, if you say "no", typically your would-be helper is off, perhaps helping someone else in need WILLING to accept their help.

Why do we do that?  "I am woman....hear me roar!" Or, "I don't need anyone's help. I've done things myself my whole life, I'm not gonna stop now."  Or, "Why burden someone else when eventually I'll get this done myself." Or how about "I'm a big girl (or boy). I don't need to depend on anyone."

I'm sure there's many more reasons why we choose to carry our burdens/heavy loads alone.  Those were just a few examples I could think of.

Now, those of you that DO accept help from others....how does that make YOU feel?  I'm going out on a limb here and going to say it makes you feel better, free-er, happier, not so lonely, maybe even relieved to get some much needed help.  Those of you that are the ones offering help, how does it make YOU feel when someone accepts your assistance?  Again, out on a limb.....you feel good about what you've done.  You see the relief on that person's face by helping them.  You feel their joy or their happiness.  You're NOT checking off something on your 'to-do' list but rather, giving a helping hand and expecting nothing in return.  The satisfaction of knowing you've helped ease the burden of someone in need is reward enough.  It's a win/win for everyone involved!

Admittedly, I'm one of those "Nah. I've got this" kind of people.  I usually tell people I don't need help.  I have chosen for most of my adult life to turn help away.  There have been just a handful of times where I have turned to certain friends for help.  There have been MORE than a handful of times where I've needed help - spiritually, emotionally and temporally (earthly help) but have carried the "burden" alone.

Is it because I don't feel worthy of help from others?  Maybe you (me) have too much pride to admit you need help??  Is it because you have no one to ask for help?

Reality is, we ALL NEED HELP, sometimes on a daily basis.  And there is always one person that will be there to help....we just need to ask for it.  Read on ......

A few weeks ago in our Sunday School class, we were discussing the first principals of the Gospel: Faith, Repentance, Baptism and Gift of the Holy Ghost (confirmation).  As we discussed repentance, there were many comments made, really good comments.  We were discussing how we can repent and truly feel forgiven.  There was one comment that stood out to me more than the others.  This sweet sister said, "What would I tell "me" if I could talk to "myself"?"  Think about that for a moment.  How many of us have helped someone get through a tough time in their life?  (We know how we can help someone physically, but now we've changed to the spiritual or emotional help.) We've probably offered words of encouragement or said something like, "The Lord is always there for you.  He hears and answers our prayers.  He loves you.  He forgives you. Trust Him" or something along those lines.

So, as I pondered on what this dear friend said, I thought to myself, "Why am I so quick to tell others how much our Heavenly Father loves them and how His Son, Jesus Christ, paid for their sins or how I served a mission for 18 months proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ and how He atoned for all of our sins....and yet, I can't seem to place ME in that category of Him forgiving ME, TOO."  I have no qualms helping people feel the love the Savior has for them but I choose to continue to carry my "burdens" from YEARS AGO.  I KNOW the Savior died for each of us and just before His death, he took all of our sins upon him, even mine!....and yet, I CHOOSE to carry my burden....I 'refuse' to give it to him.  If I continue to carry my burdens alone and not allow the Savior to help me, my journey is going to be slow and daunting.  My path will always seem long and lonely.  My 'arms' and 'back' will hurt all the time.

Perhaps it's time to swallow my pride.  Perhaps it's time to allow others to help me, including my Savior.  The road doesn't HAVE to be difficult.  Our burdens can be made light.  We just have to accept the help that is offered, whether it be a friend, neighbor, or even a stranger offering to help carry a heavy object for you or if it be the Savior saying, "I've paid the price. Accept my help.  Let me carry your burden for you."

Matthew 11:29 teaches us: "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." 


A yoke is a wooden crosspiece that is fastened over the necks of two animals and attached to the plow or cart that they are to pull. By being 'yolked' together, the burden is SHARED and neither animal (or person in our case) is forced to carry out all the work, or bear the burden, alone.


I'm sure we could all enjoy some "rest for our souls".  By carrying our own burdens, that the Lord has offered to carry, our souls may still be harrowed up by those burdens.  Peace may be difficult to come by as we continue to carry our burdens alone.

As Elsa so eloquently said....LET IT GO!  Accept the Lord's help. Lighten your load, share it with the Lord and feel the peace that comes by allowing the Savior to walk with you, yolked together with Him.







My friends, we are NEVER ALONE....sometimes we just choose to ignore the help that is right in front of us.



Much love,
Debbie

A "Brave" face and a blank page

I have waited to write again.  Waited for inspiration, for SOMETHING to help rejuvenate my thought process.  I guess you could say I've had 'writers block'.  Every time I've sat down to write in my blog, my mind just wouldn't open up.  It's been just over a month since my last writing. My goal was to write AT LEAST once a month, preferably twice a month.  And then, well, these past 30 plus days my mind has just gone blank.  I wondered why.  So I took time to think about it.  And really, as some of you read this I'm guessing there will be judgment passed, bitter feelings felt and even a bit of "oh, Debbie is having a pity party".  Truth be told, I don't really care about the first two things and the third, well, no.  No pity party.  Just me, coming to terms with what I'm feeling.

See, Mom died two days after Thanksgiving.  I coped with my emotions just fine.  I kept it all under my hat, so to speak, so no one would think I was wanting attention or throwing myself a pity party.  I was concerned about everyone else and didn't want to bother anyone, so I suffered in silence.  The more I kept my feelings to myself, the worse I felt.  I've vented to my husband a lot.  He has been a solid sounding board.  Nevertheless, I have still felt frustrated, hurt, angry and even let down. I've gone through all the emotions "they" say one goes through upon the loss of a loved one.

I would see family members post on Facebook how they missed my mom so much and how she was that particular person's "best friend".  I would have people tell me how kind and wonderful my mom was (and she really was, in her own way).  People from my own town, where my mom lived with us for just over 7 years, even expressed their sorrow for her passing.  However, I started feeling bitter and angry whenever I read something or someone expressed their sorrow.  Why?  Well, because for 7 years these "best friends" rarely came to visit my mom when she lived with us.  People from my town couldn't even take an afternoon off (accept for one lone person - and that meant a lot to me that he would take the time to attend my mom's funeral) to travel an hour to attend her funeral . That hurt.  That hurt A LOT.

Then there were those that asked if there was anything they could do for me.  I always said no.  I didn't know what I needed or wanted.  I was surprised at the death of my mom - knowing it was coming but still not expecting it so soon.  I didn't know if I needed dinners brought in or gifts left for me.  So, I said no - I'm good.  Sadly, most everyone took me at my word.  I even had one friend that I've worked with/for for over 21 years tell me they were going to do something for me, give me a gift, and THAT hasn't happened.  So, as I had my head underwater trying to plan the funeral (where there were SO MANY issues with securing a church building and the logistics of feeding my entire family after wards), write the eulogy, prepare my mom's body (I and a few family members dressed my mom) and even get something turned in for the newspaper obituary (which I even managed to get THAT wrong), I found myself getting sick.  I lost my voice and 5 pounds.  (Sadly, those 5 pounds have found their way back to me!)  I barely had my voice back by the time of the funeral to give the eulogy.


I had a few friends send me condolence cards and even a couple brought over plants.  I felt special when those cards and plants arrived.  I even had one friend come over with her family one night just to drop off some chips and homemade salsa.  She didn't ASK me, but rather TOLD me that she was bringing dinner over that next Wednesday.  I so looked forward to that meal.  It was a simple homemade meal of chicken soup but it was SOOO delicious.  It was the ACTION that was more satisfying than the meal itself.

Then there was the task of going through my mom's belongings.  That was no easy task.  My mom had a LOT of STUFF.  I was mostly interested in pictures and things with sentimental value.  So, I had five boxes placed out - one for me and each of my siblings.  If I came across something for a sibling, I put it in their box.  That was kind of fun, taking a walk down memory lane.  Then, sadly, I started finding things that I wished I hadn't.  Apparently, Mom had given money to people or signed documents for cars or houses. You name it, and someone had taken advantage of my mom in some way, shape or form.  The sad thing is that it appears that some people don't really care who they (pardon the expression) "screw over"....just as long as they get what they want.  And my mom wanted to be needed so bad, that she gave to these family members.  Then to top it off....my box had the least amount of stuff that my mom had kept.

I realized where my hurt was coming from.....I WANTED my mom.  I told her when she came to live with us that we didn't NEED her but rather we WANTED her.  Apparently my mom wanted to be needed or rather, she NEEDED to be NEEDED.  She was so busy helping those that NEEDED her, that we were never able to develop that relationship I had always wanted.  I guess in a way, you could say I needed my mom, too, but just didn't know it.  I needed my mom to love me as much as she showed her love to the others.  I found a letter I had sent to her when I was a senior in high school. In this letter I had apologized for sneaking out of the house to go see my boyfriend.  At 17 years of age I was BEGGING my mom to forgive me and to love me.  I BEGGED her telling her I wanted that close mother/daughter relationship. That never came to be.  I realized now, as a 49 year old daughter, that I had always wanted my mother's love and friendship, even 32 years later I was seeking that relationship.

And now, with her death and everything I have experienced in the last two months since her death and from going through her belongings, I realize I never got what I had longed for.  I realized it was something I had been chasing for over 30 years.  I guess that's why I never really ask others for help. I guess that's why I put on that brave face.  I guess that's why I try not to depend on others. Because I'm afraid of getting hurt.  I'm afraid of being let down. I'm simply afraid.

Mom didn't have much money left upon her death because she had spent it on others or loaned it to other family members.  I don't even know what's happening with her estate because she wouldn't even trust me enough to put me in charge of it.  She didn't leave me anything that I'm aware of.  But I did get her dog. People have said, "Your mom loved you enough that she left you her most prize possession...her dog."  My mom left me her dog because she knew I would take good care of Ladee and Ladee knew me and my family since she lived with us for 7 years.  It wasn't because she trusted me the most but rather because she knew I was responsible enough to take good care of her dog. Funny thing, whenever she needed someone to look after her or if she felt lonely (she had moved out to help a family member buy a house with money she loaned him) she would call me and say, "Can I spend the night at your house?  I don't want to be alone."  She knew she could always count on me when she needed it most. That should be some sort of consolation, right?  Sometimes being the "responsible" child just isn't enough. I still longed for the love of my mother.

So, I've laid my feelings out there.  If you find yourself offended, I make no apologies.  I'm hoping as more time goes by that I will find my mind and heart freed from the pain, hurt, bitterness, anger and disappointment.  Just know that when people put on that brave face in the midst of trials or adversity, they still may need a little extra hug or card or, in my case....chocolate!





I'm sure I'm not alone in my feelings. I'm willing to bet that many of you have experienced these same feelings, or similar, in your darkest hours.  I'm sure you have felt just as alone as I have....but believe me....when you are feeling this way and think no one else is or has or will feel this way, know that you are NEVER ALONE.  We all travel down similar roads and yet experience the same things. We just THINK we're alone, but we're not.  Remember - we are all weary travelers and just need to help each other along the way.  Perhaps next time I see you travelling down this road, and my burden seems heavy, as I reach out to help you, it just may lighten BOTH our loads.

God bless.

Debbie