Down but NOT out

Usually I like to post something uplifting or something that will bring a smile to one's face.  This time....well, this time will be a bit different.  Recently I had a week from "hell", emotional hell.  I know some will read this post and think, "THAT'S what she calls "hell"?" and that's ok.  I realize others have it much worse but I'm not comparing my hard times with anyone else's.  I have a pretty good life.  No real big obstacles, so when one DOES present itself, in whatever form, it is still an obstacle, nonetheless.

So, here's a week in the life of me......some of you may relate, others may say "big deal".  And, again, that's OK.

Monday of that week I was informed by someone that a certain mom didn't want 'that woman' (referring to me) to know something about her child because "she's my neighbor and it's no one's business and plus, she's a gossip."  I'm a WHAT???  I was shocked that someone I deemed my friend would say something like that.  I purposely don't know a lot of what's going on in my neighborhood or even with my church friends (unless they tell me) so that I don't get labeled a 'gossip' or someone that hangs out with the 'gossipers'.  I asked my husband later that evening if he thought I was a gossip.  He said, "I don't think you're a gossip.  You ask questions and that may lead people to believe you're a gossip."  I told him, "Asking questions and getting answers doesn't mean I'm going to share it with anyone. There's a big difference between asking questions and then SHARING it with others (gossip)".  He agreed.  I then asked another friend if I was known as a 'gossip'.  She said, "I don't think you're a gossip at all.  You DO like to talk but that's not good or bad.  It's just you."  Ok, I appreciated that she thinks I'm not a gossip but still not too sure how to take that last part.  Yes, I like to talk but it's not about OTHERS.  I talk about me, my family, the news, the weather, food, my next craft night and yes, even politics. Perhaps others are talked about, but in a good way - definitely not gossip garbage.  If that's a bad thing, then I'm guilty.  And asking questions....I ask because I'm interested in you and what you do.  If someone doesn't want to give me an answer to a question, then so be it.  I'm no worse off except I know a little bit less about you.  If you DO answer my questions that just means we know each other a bit better.  It has NOTHING to do with being a gossip.

Heck, I've had many things shared with me that never passed back through my lips.  Two friends were (still are) pregnant but didn't want anyone to know until they were ready to share the good news.  They've shared the news and I STILL haven't talked about it with anyone.  A friend is going through a difficult divorce and I haven't breathed a word about it.  I had one sweet friend share something about her past with me and to this day, I've never said a word....not even to my husband.  I may even know something about YOU and yet, I haven't told anyone else.  It was still difficult knowing someone I considered a friend was spreading GOSSIP about ME being a gossip when in actuality, she's the true gossip (since she was talking bad about me).


I do a lot of subbing in the local school district.  I sub as an aide for special needs students, a campus supervisor, cafeteria worker, attendance clerk, noon duty 'lady' and even an aide on the bus (not the driver, though! You wouldn't want ME driving a bus! Have mercy and save the children!!).

I've posted my experiences on our local community page for the last four years.  I've had nothing but positive feedback and "thank you for posting that!"  I NEVER say what school I've been to or use student names.  I ONLY post the good, heart warming stories or something funny that happened.  I see so many negative posts, even on the community page, so I try to add a bit of uplifting stuff as often as I can.  Mind you, I don't post EVERY time I sub, just when something strikes me funny or exceptionally uplifting.




Thursday of this same week, I posted a very heartwarming, uplifting story about how I saw a general ed student interacting with a special needs student.  I expressed my thoughts and feelings about how I felt years before I started working with students with special needs and how my eyes have "been opened" after working with these sweet students and watching how others treat these sweet, special needs children. I'm purposely NOT posting what I posted to the community Facebook page because I don't want to turn this blog post into a controversial discussion.  Suffice it to say, my post was well received by many on that community page (over 48,000 members in that group) .....EXCEPT by a small group of people.  I was "attacked" by one woman asking what my motive was for posting..."Is it to see how many 'likes' you can get? Is it to be popular? Do you write all this stuff down so you can run home and post it on FB? I don't know WHY you feel the need to post any stories since you are a district employee." Yes, she REALLY wanted to know why I would post a feel good story on a community page (STILL shaking my head at that comment).  A few other women got all "up in arms" about the wording of my post.  Even when I tried to explain myself further, it just gave them more "ammo" to attack me with.  Basically, these are mother's of children with special needs and when I suggested that maybe "some children may never learn due to their mental capabilities but we are learning from these sweet children" -- well, I was attacked.

I have never and would never say anything negative or derogatory towards ANYONE with special needs, especially on a public forum like that and even doubly especially since I work in the district and WANT TO KEEP MY JOB.  Well, this small group of moms, contacted the school where I had a few sub jobs set up and told them about my "horrible post".  I met with one of the administrators and was told "If you take your post and read it line by line, I can see where your post can be offensive...."  Needless to say, I was dismissed from working at that school - at least for the rest of this school year, maybe forever.

I was stunned.  I was shocked that a truly simple, heartfelt post (posted with nothing but love behind it) could be taken so out of context as to be deemed 'rude and offensive'.  Sure, if you read just about ANY writing line by line you could take offense.  But as a whole, the writing makes sense.  Most writings are meant to be read in it's entirety, not line by line and dissected.

My husband is a man that always says, "When something goes wrong, I try to reflect on it and see what I can do or could have done to make it better."  I'm here to tell you, I REALLY reflected hard on the gossip issue and even harder on the FB post issue.  I haven't been on FB since this happened because I was just so shocked.  "They" say (and who are the "they" people anyway?) when something traumatic happens our body can go into shock.  Well, I honestly believe my SOUL was in shock.  I felt emotionally beat up.  I didn't know how to make this better because I couldn't find where the 'problem' was.  I read and re-read my FB post.  I thought and re-thought what I may have said or done to make my friend call me a gossip.  I took a week and a half off of FB to figure out what I did or where I went wrong.

I went into a bit of a depression.  It didn't last long because I realized I can't control what others think of me.  This 'friend' may have been having a rough time in life and decided to throw me under the bus to make her feel better.  These mom's obviously have glasses that, no matter how full they are, will always be half empty.

I decided it was time to get out of my slump.  I had a few people suggest that I stay off FB or other social media because it just gets ugly.  That's like telling me to avoid London because of the terrorist bombings or avoid other areas because of the crime.  So basically, let the "bad" run me and what I do?  No.  Not this woman.  If you can look at a heartwarming post or a well thought out letter and find the bad in it, then sadly, your glass will always be half empty.  There's nothing I can do to change you and I shouldn't 'allow' you to try and change me.  I shouldn't have to avoid places (social media places or actual cities, etc) because a small group of people are bullies.  Some people are simply small minded, self absorbed, negative people.  I don't need that in my life.  And I refuse to allow 'those' people to control me, my life, or my feelings.

This blog is all about never being alone.  NEVER ALONE....we should never feel alone.  Sadly, that 'hell' week, I felt alone.  I had my husband and a few close friends that sent me messages and let me know I was loved.  That certainly helped.  I caught a small glimpse of what it's like to truly feel alone.  I felt my "character assassination" was going to be the death of me.  I'd never experienced something so hurtful and crushing.  I'd never known people to be so mean and "out to get me" before. I've never REALLY considered suicide but for a brief moment, I saw where something like this could lead people to the edge.  When you feel alone, like no one cares, no one is there for you, life isn't worth it....remember that you ARE cared about, someone IS there for you and life IS worth it.  Yes, I know....my 'trial week' was nothing compared to what others go through in life. I'm not trying to compare, though. I'm simply sharing MY experience. Maybe someone out there is going or has gone through a time like this.  But this I DO know, I am loved by more than those that don't love me.  I may not have a best girlfriend that I tell my deepest darkest secrets to but I have a Heavenly Father that knows me and loves me.  Sometimes even THAT is difficult to grasp because I want Him here, so I can see him.  But, He sends others in His stead.  Maybe YOU aren't the one that feels alone but rather, you are the hands our Heavenly Father sends to help someone who does feel alone.

May anyone reading this, that has ever felt alone, know that you are loved by more than don't love you.  Our trials, no matter how big or small, truly DO make us stronger.  I've got other little trials I'm still going through but with Him and those helping hands He sends my way, I know I will get though this.  I am loved....and so are you. I am NEVER ALONE.....and neither are you.

Love,

Debbie