Is your puzzle complete?

Have you ever started working on a puzzle and then thought part way through, "This is harder than I thought it would be!"?  Some puzzles are easier than others, right?  As a child we start with those big chunky puzzle pieces.  Maybe 10 pieces altogether.  As we get older we may advance to the 100 piece puzzles, then move up to 500 and then eventually 1000 piece puzzles.  Did you know you can even do electronic puzzles?  Seriously, I discovered a puzzle "game" on my Kindle.  It's pretty cool, actually.  Some people stick to themes.  Maybe only do animal puzzles or food puzzles or castle puzzles.  Then there's me....I just do puzzles, ANY kind of puzzles.  I find them fun and even challenging.  I just did a 1000 piece Disney puzzle that was VERY challenging.  It didn't have the straight edge boarder that most puzzles have.  It even had CUTOUTS throughout the puzzle!!  Ya, it was a challenge. BUT, I finished it!



The most recent puzzle I completed was a picture of Christ.  It was almost as difficult as the 1000 piece Disney puzzle and yet it only had 500 pieces.  The reason it seemed more difficult was because it didn't have a whole lot of different colors.  It was either a lot of green, brown or tan.  There were some other colored pieces that had multiple colors in them....it was His hair.  So, really, no big help there, either.  I, of course, did the border first.  That proved a bit difficult because I was doing it in an area of the house where the lighting wasn't all that good AND some of the pieces 'kind of' fit' where they didn't belong.  Had I had proper lighting I would have noticed certain pieces didn't belong there because the shade of green didn't match the adjoining pieces.  When I realized the edges weren't matching up, and the puzzle was becoming more and more difficult, I found a flashlight and looked closer at the puzzle and saw a few mismatched pieces.  That's when I also realized that I needed to not just match pieces but shades of the right color as well.  ALSO, some of those mismatched pieces clearly didn't belong but, because of the poor lighting and in my haste, I 'made' those pieces fit.  Upon closer inspection, I could see the gap between the wrong pieces, made the correction and moved on. And that was just the border!

As I'm working on the rest of the puzzle I was getting a bit discouraged.  There were sooooo many green pieces with slightly different color variations and it just seemed impossible, and I mean REALLY impossible!  But, I am not one to give up easily so I trudged onward.  I soon noticed a pattern.  As I was looking for the 'next piece' I discovered that the previous few pieces in the row I was working on were in a pattern of 'two prongs' then 'four prongs' or something like that.  So, I did something that anyone with OCD would appreciate and understand....I separated my puzzle pieces into groups.  Not color groups as I had been doing but rather by shape.  All 'one prong' pieces in this area, 'two prongs' in this column, '3 prongs' in the next area, etc, until all the pieces were out of the box and neatly organized around the border of the puzzle on the table.

So, I ORGANIZED my 'mess' and started trying to find the pattern in each row I worked.  Now, some of you may be thinking "That's how I do it all the time!"  Well, not me.  I mean, I HAVE done it that way before but not so early on in the puzzle.

As I continued putting the pieces together I saw the finished product coming along.  I had the box cover to follow if I needed direction so that was good, too.  I wasn't left alone in my quest to complete this puzzle, I had some sort of direction.

When I completed the puzzle, I sat back and admired the beauty of what I had just completed.  Not only the 'joy' of finally finishing (it took a few days) but of what the actual puzzle picture was....a BEAUTIFUL picture of Jesus Christ.  Then it hit me.....a blog post.

Like I said, the Disney one was difficult because of the odd shaped border and the cutouts.  However, there is writing on some of the pieces and many different colors so I was able to match things up quicker. As you look at the puzzle of Christ you may wonder why I thought it was so difficult. But if you were to have been in my seat, putting the pieces together was more difficult because there was less "direction" to match things up to.



Here's the "lessons" I learned from the puzzle of Christ:

First - Always start with the basics (the border). You figure out what your 'basics' are....family, church, prayer, work, friends....whatever it may be in your life.

Second - Don't just try to make things fit in your life (correct puzzle pieces in the right place). Sometimes we try and put things in our lives that aren't necessary but we do it anyway. Sometimes what we want in life just isn't right. Quick example - I dated a guy my senior year of high school. We weren't the same religion but he eventually converted to my faith and was baptized. I had received a special blessing when I was 16. This blessing gave me direction in life (Patriarchal Blessing) and blessings I could receive as I was obedient to the Lord. In this blessing it suggested that I would marry a man that had served a mission (in so many words). I wanted my high school sweetheart to be the man I married so I encouraged him, even pushed him to go on a mission. He wanted nothing to do with a mission. I kept pushing and prodding him to go. I was trying hard to make that puzzle piece fit in the puzzle of my life. We later ended up breaking up. He was a great guy and no, he never served a mission.

Third - Don't ever give up when things get tough (pieces not fitting together). We will all experience trials and challenges in our lives. Hopefully we learn and grow from them but NEVER just quit because it's "too hard". Get out that "flashlight" and see what's really going on. Examine your life, the choices you're making, the things you're doing. You just may find that things are difficult because YOU'RE making it difficult. Sometimes we just need to step back and see where we need to change, and then MAKE THAT CHANGE (I know, easier said than done, right?). Our challenges will never go away but we just may learn how to better navigate the next challenge/trial we face.

Fourth - Organize yourself (put the pieces in groups). If we prioritize our life and the things we do, put them in a specific order, what ever order your life requires...which is different for everyone, then it may not seem so overwhelming. And if it IS overwhelming then organizing the "chaos" will make it seem less overwhelming and more manageable. Find a pattern that will help you navigate your way. Put your ducks in a row and keep plugging away.

Fifth - Have a direction or something/someone to direct you (the completed picture of the puzzle). Just as I had the puzzle box to help me, we were not sent to this earth alone to simply figure things out by ourselves. We have the Savior. We have His written word (the scriptures).  We have prophets and apostles (living and dead) that have given us guidance and counsel. We have local leaders that can help us figure things out. WE ARE NOT ALONE. Even our parents can give us direction.

And, finally, as I was nearing completion of this puzzle I noticed that it looked good even without the last few pieces of His eye....but how much better and more calming it looked when the Lord was complete. That stands true in life. When we have the Lord COMPLETELY in our lives, no matter what challenges, trials, or difficulties we may face, we can know that we are NEVER ALONE.

May the pieces of your life's puzzle come together nicely and may we all help each other along the way. And most importantly, may we always remember and never forget that we are NEVER ALONE.

Much love,
Debbie

What's in a word?

There are some words you hear and a specific definition comes to mind.  For me, chocolate -- pure deliciousness!  To others, chocolate could bring to mind being over weight or cavities and a visit to the dentist.  How about exercise?  I think of feeling good.  You may think of sweat and being out of breath.  There are so many words we could go over and find different meanings.  But there is one, in particular, that has been on my mind recently.


Not too long ago I was at a church meeting.  A question was brought up about how we can get the Atonement deep into the heart of others, or something along those lines.  Then we started discussing the Atonement.  It was more of a congregation/audience discussion.  The discussion leaned toward how the Atonement helps us 'wipe' away our sins.  Things were discussed on how we can teach our children to know that although they sin, they (we) can remember the Atonement and all that Jesus Christ did for them (us).  My 18 year old son even shared an experience he had with an issue in his life that, if not taken care of in it's early stage, could have become a big problem.  He shared how he knew his parents loved him and he could trust them and go to them for help.  So he related how having a close and trusting relationship with your parents is one way to help "get the Atonement deep into the hearts of others".


I was fine with the discussion and everything everyone had shared. However, something kept nagging at me in the back of my mind.  The congregation was really concentrating on how the Atonement helps the sinner be free from sin, or how it helps the sinner understand that Christ died for our sins and how if we look to Him and sincerely change our ways, we can be forgiven.  Yes, I believe that.....but I also believe the Atonement is MUCH MORE than being forgiven of our sins and yet, no one was talking about that.

Sure, we can go into the detailed definition of the Atonement.... At-one-ment....being one with God by overcoming sin through repentance.  Although that is true, it is really only PART of the definition of the Atonement.  Yes, as humans we all sin, right?  We ALL need the Atonement of Jesus Christ to repent of our sins and come unto Christ.  But, I submit to you, the Atonement is not only for the sinner.  The definition is deeper and more profound than that.  If we truly look into what the Atonement is all about, we see that Jesus Christ not only "paid the price for our sins" but He also took upon himself all our sorrows, all our worries, all our pain.

When we are feeling lonely - Christ knows what that is like.  Many times in His life, he was alone - even when surrounded by others - He was "alone"

When we are hungry, maybe even starving - Christ fasted for 40 days.  He knows what it feels like to be hungry.

Betrayed?  Yep, Christ was betrayed....remember Judas?


Pain?  I'm sure having nails hammered into your hands and feet is pain beyond measure.  He knows pain.

He knows how it feels to be spat upon, ridiculed, made fun of, taunted, rejected.  Jesus Christ experienced more in His 33 years of life than most of us will ever experience in 100 years.  And really, if you think about it, He even knows what it's like to be a "step-child" or an "adopted" child (think about that one for a moment).

Jesus Christ atoned not only for our sins, but for every aliment known to man.  He may not know what it's like to have cancer or some other modern day disease, but He knows our pain and our sorrow that will accompany it.

Toward the end of this open discussion I raised my hand.  I shared with the congregation an experience one of my older brothers had with his excommunication from the church (Mormon church) over 30 years ago and his journey back "into the fold" and his re-baptism about three years ago.  I shared how this brother is now attending the temple and is much happier in life (not free from problems or pain, but just basically happier).  My point was how it affected my children.  I explained how my husband's side of the family is basically "good Mormon's" living the gospel and how MY side of the family is almost just the opposite and I wondered how my children would receive my side of the family in comparison to my husband's side of the family.  My children only knew Uncle Mark as a guy that smoked and drank and did things that they know are against what we teach.  HOWEVER, they loved him anyway.  They didn't judge him or not like him because he lived differently than we did.  They loved their uncle regardless of how he lived.  Our children saw how the Atonement affected the life of a "sinner" they knew and loved. They truly saw the Atonement "in action" in the life of someone else.

I concluded my comment saying something like this, "Yes, the Atonement is there for us regarding sin.  But it is much more than that.  The Atonement is there for us during our trials, our sorrows and everything that we experience.  Really, the Atonement is truly the love of Christ."

Friends, if I could just leave you with this:  No matter what you experience, no matter where you are in life, no matter how down trodden you may feel, just know that you are truly NEVER ALONE. Whether you are a believer in Christ or not, He did what He did.  He bled through every pore in the Garden of Gethsemane. He died on the cross.  He did what he did because he loves you, me, all of us. You don't have to believe it, but it did happen and each of us is a recipient of that great love.  He experienced it all so HE KNOWS.  He knows what we're going through....and you are NEVER ALONE.

Love,

Debbie

We Live What We Learn

He hit me!  He 'cutted'.  She called me a baby.  I'm telling on you! Can I go to the bathroom?  It's MY turn!  She isn't sharing.  And the list goes on, and on and on.  These are some things I hear on a daily basis as I substitute in an elementary classroom.  But there's one thing I hear often that has prompted this blog post.  "He's copying me!"


He's copying me.....what's the big deal?  So someone likes what you did and they decide they want to do it your way.  I usually try explaining to the young children that if someone copies them it's because what they are doing is so cool that someone else wants to do it, too. They still don't seem to get it.  I understand that.  If we're doing something and it turns out to be cool or awesome well, we don't want anyone else to do it.  We, yes, WE - even as adults, want it to be known that it was our idea before someone else starts doing it and getting credit for it.

For example, 26 years ago when we were planning for our wedding reception, we had some friends that were getting married the month before us.  We had already secured some decorations from others that we were borrowing.  These friends wanted to use the same backdrop that we were using. Now, they weren't actually 'copying' us, but rather, they liked the backdrop and wanted it for their reception.  When they asked us if they could use it I told them I'd rather they didn't because then a month later when we would be using it (inviting a lot of the same people to our reception) it would look like WE were copying THEM.  OK, I know.  Some of you (probably mostly males - because the women understand these issues better than most men) are probably thinking, "What's the big deal? You should have just let them use it.  No one would remember or probably not even care."  You're probably right.  But, I didn't want to look like I was copying someone.  I wanted it to be my own thing, not something someone else had already done.

Hindsight, it was a compliment that these friends wanted to use the same backdrop we used (even if they weren't copying us).  The wife has good taste so that just means we had the same good taste. But the point is, as much of a compliment as it may have been, I didn't want to 'copy' them and I didn't want them to 'copy' us.

So, back to the playground.....I have heard and seen these young children do things and say things that make me pause and think to myself, "Did I hear that or see that correctly?"  I've seen children, (and for the sake of this post, I'm referring to mostly young five, six, seven and eight year old children) playing 'house' and treating the doll babies tenderly and with love.  I've seen these young children caring for a friend that is crying or hurt until an adult comes over.  There are children that are eager to help clean up the messes, even if they didn't make them.  I've heard them say things to each other that makes my heart melt.  I've seen and heard their kindness.  And I think to myself, "They are being taught well in their home."  These young children are 'copying' what they see and hear at home, basically.

I have had a glimpse in the lives of many adults by the way their children act at school.  I have had a student, a six year old child, call me an "F-ing bit--" and tell me to "shut the 'f' up!" because he was mad.  I've had a child tell me that they are a "stupid idiot" and start hitting himself because he's so "stupid".  I've seen children hit and kick adults and other children when they are mad.  I've had a child tell me "I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry" when they think they've done something wrong because they're afraid of getting punished.  Just the other day I had to take something away from one child because he should never have brought it to school.  He wasn't happy I took it but he was fine.  I had to take something away from another child and told her she could have it after school.  She went under the tables and cried saying she was in "so much trouble now".  Two different reactions from two different children that were living what they had learned.

I remember when I was younger and was hanging out at a friends home, her parents gave her younger brother (maybe 2 years old) some beer.  I was shocked!  They said that they would rather he drink in front of them than try to hide it from them.  The boy was only TWO years old!!  Did he become an alcoholic?  I don't know.  But he was taught that underage drinking was fine.  Heck, for that matter, my friend and I were taught that underage drinking was fine, too!  I hear of parents that sponsor parties at their home and allow the high school students to drink because they are being "supervised" by the adults. What is actually being taught is "underage drinking is OK because I said so."  And those parents are fooling themselves if they think the drinking stops when the parents say the party is over.

Every time we do or say something, we are TEACHING OUR CHILDREN, and even other people's children.  If you drink, smoke, live with your boyfriend/girlfriend, cuss, do volunteer work, do drugs, gossip, are mean to others, drive crazy (ya, my children have picked up that bad habit from ME. I'll just admit it now) steal, lie, help others, serve others, etc, whatever it is our children see or hear us do, good or bad, they are likely to end up doing it as well. MONKEY SEE - MONKEY DO.  That's just how it works. Teaching someone doesn't always require a classroom setting.  The most influential classroom for any child (or any person, really) is what they learn at home. Our young ones take what they learn from us and share it with their friends - good or bad. They live what they learn.  That is a fact.

Our 'babies' that have 'copied' us
(good or bad) from their 1st step

Just remember, someone is ALWAYS 'copying' you. You REALLY are NEVER ALONE....eyes are always on us, watching what we do so they can 'copy' us. Choose to be the good in this world. Choose to be the good example that our young ones can 'copy'.  Life is good.  You are good. Our young ones need GOOD that they can COPY.

Much love,

Debbie

Lighten your load

Have you ever found yourself carrying a heavy load, someone asks if they can help you and you say, "Nah. I've got this"?  Is that something you would do?  I've done it a million times.  I just don't want to put anyone out so I usually "tough it out" and do it myself. Sure, my back is killing me or my arms hurt by trying to carry all 10 bags of groceries in at the same time, but I get it done -- the hard way. Meanwhile, that person may wonder "Why on earth wouldn't she let me help her?  She looks like she's struggling."  But, if you say "no", typically your would-be helper is off, perhaps helping someone else in need WILLING to accept their help.

Why do we do that?  "I am woman....hear me roar!" Or, "I don't need anyone's help. I've done things myself my whole life, I'm not gonna stop now."  Or, "Why burden someone else when eventually I'll get this done myself." Or how about "I'm a big girl (or boy). I don't need to depend on anyone."

I'm sure there's many more reasons why we choose to carry our burdens/heavy loads alone.  Those were just a few examples I could think of.

Now, those of you that DO accept help from others....how does that make YOU feel?  I'm going out on a limb here and going to say it makes you feel better, free-er, happier, not so lonely, maybe even relieved to get some much needed help.  Those of you that are the ones offering help, how does it make YOU feel when someone accepts your assistance?  Again, out on a limb.....you feel good about what you've done.  You see the relief on that person's face by helping them.  You feel their joy or their happiness.  You're NOT checking off something on your 'to-do' list but rather, giving a helping hand and expecting nothing in return.  The satisfaction of knowing you've helped ease the burden of someone in need is reward enough.  It's a win/win for everyone involved!

Admittedly, I'm one of those "Nah. I've got this" kind of people.  I usually tell people I don't need help.  I have chosen for most of my adult life to turn help away.  There have been just a handful of times where I have turned to certain friends for help.  There have been MORE than a handful of times where I've needed help - spiritually, emotionally and temporally (earthly help) but have carried the "burden" alone.

Is it because I don't feel worthy of help from others?  Maybe you (me) have too much pride to admit you need help??  Is it because you have no one to ask for help?

Reality is, we ALL NEED HELP, sometimes on a daily basis.  And there is always one person that will be there to help....we just need to ask for it.  Read on ......

A few weeks ago in our Sunday School class, we were discussing the first principals of the Gospel: Faith, Repentance, Baptism and Gift of the Holy Ghost (confirmation).  As we discussed repentance, there were many comments made, really good comments.  We were discussing how we can repent and truly feel forgiven.  There was one comment that stood out to me more than the others.  This sweet sister said, "What would I tell "me" if I could talk to "myself"?"  Think about that for a moment.  How many of us have helped someone get through a tough time in their life?  (We know how we can help someone physically, but now we've changed to the spiritual or emotional help.) We've probably offered words of encouragement or said something like, "The Lord is always there for you.  He hears and answers our prayers.  He loves you.  He forgives you. Trust Him" or something along those lines.

So, as I pondered on what this dear friend said, I thought to myself, "Why am I so quick to tell others how much our Heavenly Father loves them and how His Son, Jesus Christ, paid for their sins or how I served a mission for 18 months proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ and how He atoned for all of our sins....and yet, I can't seem to place ME in that category of Him forgiving ME, TOO."  I have no qualms helping people feel the love the Savior has for them but I choose to continue to carry my "burdens" from YEARS AGO.  I KNOW the Savior died for each of us and just before His death, he took all of our sins upon him, even mine!....and yet, I CHOOSE to carry my burden....I 'refuse' to give it to him.  If I continue to carry my burdens alone and not allow the Savior to help me, my journey is going to be slow and daunting.  My path will always seem long and lonely.  My 'arms' and 'back' will hurt all the time.

Perhaps it's time to swallow my pride.  Perhaps it's time to allow others to help me, including my Savior.  The road doesn't HAVE to be difficult.  Our burdens can be made light.  We just have to accept the help that is offered, whether it be a friend, neighbor, or even a stranger offering to help carry a heavy object for you or if it be the Savior saying, "I've paid the price. Accept my help.  Let me carry your burden for you."

Matthew 11:29 teaches us: "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls." 


A yoke is a wooden crosspiece that is fastened over the necks of two animals and attached to the plow or cart that they are to pull. By being 'yolked' together, the burden is SHARED and neither animal (or person in our case) is forced to carry out all the work, or bear the burden, alone.


I'm sure we could all enjoy some "rest for our souls".  By carrying our own burdens, that the Lord has offered to carry, our souls may still be harrowed up by those burdens.  Peace may be difficult to come by as we continue to carry our burdens alone.

As Elsa so eloquently said....LET IT GO!  Accept the Lord's help. Lighten your load, share it with the Lord and feel the peace that comes by allowing the Savior to walk with you, yolked together with Him.







My friends, we are NEVER ALONE....sometimes we just choose to ignore the help that is right in front of us.



Much love,
Debbie

A "Brave" face and a blank page

I have waited to write again.  Waited for inspiration, for SOMETHING to help rejuvenate my thought process.  I guess you could say I've had 'writers block'.  Every time I've sat down to write in my blog, my mind just wouldn't open up.  It's been just over a month since my last writing. My goal was to write AT LEAST once a month, preferably twice a month.  And then, well, these past 30 plus days my mind has just gone blank.  I wondered why.  So I took time to think about it.  And really, as some of you read this I'm guessing there will be judgment passed, bitter feelings felt and even a bit of "oh, Debbie is having a pity party".  Truth be told, I don't really care about the first two things and the third, well, no.  No pity party.  Just me, coming to terms with what I'm feeling.

See, Mom died two days after Thanksgiving.  I coped with my emotions just fine.  I kept it all under my hat, so to speak, so no one would think I was wanting attention or throwing myself a pity party.  I was concerned about everyone else and didn't want to bother anyone, so I suffered in silence.  The more I kept my feelings to myself, the worse I felt.  I've vented to my husband a lot.  He has been a solid sounding board.  Nevertheless, I have still felt frustrated, hurt, angry and even let down. I've gone through all the emotions "they" say one goes through upon the loss of a loved one.

I would see family members post on Facebook how they missed my mom so much and how she was that particular person's "best friend".  I would have people tell me how kind and wonderful my mom was (and she really was, in her own way).  People from my own town, where my mom lived with us for just over 7 years, even expressed their sorrow for her passing.  However, I started feeling bitter and angry whenever I read something or someone expressed their sorrow.  Why?  Well, because for 7 years these "best friends" rarely came to visit my mom when she lived with us.  People from my town couldn't even take an afternoon off (accept for one lone person - and that meant a lot to me that he would take the time to attend my mom's funeral) to travel an hour to attend her funeral . That hurt.  That hurt A LOT.

Then there were those that asked if there was anything they could do for me.  I always said no.  I didn't know what I needed or wanted.  I was surprised at the death of my mom - knowing it was coming but still not expecting it so soon.  I didn't know if I needed dinners brought in or gifts left for me.  So, I said no - I'm good.  Sadly, most everyone took me at my word.  I even had one friend that I've worked with/for for over 21 years tell me they were going to do something for me, give me a gift, and THAT hasn't happened.  So, as I had my head underwater trying to plan the funeral (where there were SO MANY issues with securing a church building and the logistics of feeding my entire family after wards), write the eulogy, prepare my mom's body (I and a few family members dressed my mom) and even get something turned in for the newspaper obituary (which I even managed to get THAT wrong), I found myself getting sick.  I lost my voice and 5 pounds.  (Sadly, those 5 pounds have found their way back to me!)  I barely had my voice back by the time of the funeral to give the eulogy.


I had a few friends send me condolence cards and even a couple brought over plants.  I felt special when those cards and plants arrived.  I even had one friend come over with her family one night just to drop off some chips and homemade salsa.  She didn't ASK me, but rather TOLD me that she was bringing dinner over that next Wednesday.  I so looked forward to that meal.  It was a simple homemade meal of chicken soup but it was SOOO delicious.  It was the ACTION that was more satisfying than the meal itself.

Then there was the task of going through my mom's belongings.  That was no easy task.  My mom had a LOT of STUFF.  I was mostly interested in pictures and things with sentimental value.  So, I had five boxes placed out - one for me and each of my siblings.  If I came across something for a sibling, I put it in their box.  That was kind of fun, taking a walk down memory lane.  Then, sadly, I started finding things that I wished I hadn't.  Apparently, Mom had given money to people or signed documents for cars or houses. You name it, and someone had taken advantage of my mom in some way, shape or form.  The sad thing is that it appears that some people don't really care who they (pardon the expression) "screw over"....just as long as they get what they want.  And my mom wanted to be needed so bad, that she gave to these family members.  Then to top it off....my box had the least amount of stuff that my mom had kept.

I realized where my hurt was coming from.....I WANTED my mom.  I told her when she came to live with us that we didn't NEED her but rather we WANTED her.  Apparently my mom wanted to be needed or rather, she NEEDED to be NEEDED.  She was so busy helping those that NEEDED her, that we were never able to develop that relationship I had always wanted.  I guess in a way, you could say I needed my mom, too, but just didn't know it.  I needed my mom to love me as much as she showed her love to the others.  I found a letter I had sent to her when I was a senior in high school. In this letter I had apologized for sneaking out of the house to go see my boyfriend.  At 17 years of age I was BEGGING my mom to forgive me and to love me.  I BEGGED her telling her I wanted that close mother/daughter relationship. That never came to be.  I realized now, as a 49 year old daughter, that I had always wanted my mother's love and friendship, even 32 years later I was seeking that relationship.

And now, with her death and everything I have experienced in the last two months since her death and from going through her belongings, I realize I never got what I had longed for.  I realized it was something I had been chasing for over 30 years.  I guess that's why I never really ask others for help. I guess that's why I put on that brave face.  I guess that's why I try not to depend on others. Because I'm afraid of getting hurt.  I'm afraid of being let down. I'm simply afraid.

Mom didn't have much money left upon her death because she had spent it on others or loaned it to other family members.  I don't even know what's happening with her estate because she wouldn't even trust me enough to put me in charge of it.  She didn't leave me anything that I'm aware of.  But I did get her dog. People have said, "Your mom loved you enough that she left you her most prize possession...her dog."  My mom left me her dog because she knew I would take good care of Ladee and Ladee knew me and my family since she lived with us for 7 years.  It wasn't because she trusted me the most but rather because she knew I was responsible enough to take good care of her dog. Funny thing, whenever she needed someone to look after her or if she felt lonely (she had moved out to help a family member buy a house with money she loaned him) she would call me and say, "Can I spend the night at your house?  I don't want to be alone."  She knew she could always count on me when she needed it most. That should be some sort of consolation, right?  Sometimes being the "responsible" child just isn't enough. I still longed for the love of my mother.

So, I've laid my feelings out there.  If you find yourself offended, I make no apologies.  I'm hoping as more time goes by that I will find my mind and heart freed from the pain, hurt, bitterness, anger and disappointment.  Just know that when people put on that brave face in the midst of trials or adversity, they still may need a little extra hug or card or, in my case....chocolate!





I'm sure I'm not alone in my feelings. I'm willing to bet that many of you have experienced these same feelings, or similar, in your darkest hours.  I'm sure you have felt just as alone as I have....but believe me....when you are feeling this way and think no one else is or has or will feel this way, know that you are NEVER ALONE.  We all travel down similar roads and yet experience the same things. We just THINK we're alone, but we're not.  Remember - we are all weary travelers and just need to help each other along the way.  Perhaps next time I see you travelling down this road, and my burden seems heavy, as I reach out to help you, it just may lighten BOTH our loads.

God bless.

Debbie