Was it Enough?

Do you ever wonder, "Did I do enough? Could I have done more?  Could I have been better?"

Well, the answer to each of those questions is "Yes. Yes. And yes."  But if I answered "yes" to the first question, then the other two questions aren't necessary.....or are they?

Mom/Grandma - holding the signs
to welcome Jennifer home from her
mission - 18 months away from home

I've had a lot to reflect on this past week.  My 71 year old mother passed away on November 26th. She had lived with us for 7 years.  She was diagnosed with colon cancer two months ago. But THAT didn't take her from us.  See, about 10 years ago she had part of her right leg amputated.  She suffered from diabetes. She was diagnosed with diabetes later in life and never really took good enough care of herself to prevent complications from arising.  So, along with losing part of her leg, she also lost part of her life.  Her life was never going to be what it was before the surgery. We brought her home to live with us - a small family of five, now six.

Thanksgiving 2016
The last family picture with
Mom/Grandma

I told my husband, "I'm kind of looking forward to having my mom live with us.  We never really had that close mother/daughter relationship so this just may be what it takes to develop that closeness."  I should have known that only fairy tales have happily ever after endings.  It was an up and down ride for seven years.  There were times we got along great. And there were times I wished she could grow another leg and move out to be on her own again.  Don't get me wrong.  I loved my mother.  I never had harsh words with her.  I never told her I hated her.  I never said things that would cause me regret later in life.

However, now that she's gone, I've asked myself those same three questions...."Did I do enough? Could I have done more?  Could I have been better?"  Those are the questions that haunt me because the answers all end up being YES.

Don being silly - pretending to be
asleep on Mom's lap

Did I do enough?  Yes - with the relationship I had with my mother, yes, I did enough.  My mom didn't allow me to be more than what I was to her.  She loved me.  I know she loved me.  I always wanted more of a relationship but that wasn't meant to be. With the relationship we had, we weren't best friends, but we weren't enemies either.  I was there for her for seven years.  When she was sick, I was there.  When she was hungry, I was there. When her dog needed to be taken care of, I was there. When she wanted to go grab a bite to eat, I was there.  We did things together.  We laughed together. We cried together.  We fought together.  But in the end, we were both there for each other....as much as we would allow the other to be.

Could I have done more?  Yes.  I could have spent MORE time with her.  I could have shown more love and compassion toward her.  I could have invited her to more places with me.  I could have laughed more with her.  I could have done A LOT more with my mom....and the same could be said about her....about you....about the person next to you.  We can ALL do more.

June 2013 - Jennifer's high school
graduation. Grandma was there

Could I have been better?  Yes.  I could have been a better daughter, just as she could have been a better mother, just as I can have been a better friend, sister, neighbor.  See, we can ALL be better at whatever we are, whatever we are doing.  It's just a matter of taking that extra step.  Just when we think we're done...take one more step.  Do a little better.

I have learned things about my mom, since her passing, that I didn't know about her.  People have reached out to me telling me "She always sent cards to me for my birthday." Or, "We mailed books to each other all the time.  She started it.  I loved getting her books each month."  Even, "Your mom always made me laugh. We loved having her around."  I didn't know so many people knew and loved my mom.

I used to tease her about paying her bills.  She worked for the post office YEARS ago but she never mailed her payments if the place was local.  She would always go into Target or Kohl's or Verizon to pay her bills.  It wasn't until after her death when one of my brothers and I were talking that I realized that she paid her bills in person because she wanted to be with people.  My mom was a people person.  I realized too late that I should have spent more time with my mom because that's all she wanted....was to be with people.

Feb. 2016 - picking Jennifer up
from the airport - Mom was with us

My mom was not the easiest person to get along with all the time. Not many people can claim that personality trait.  Being a likeable person 24/7 takes a lot of work for some of us.  Some come by it naturally.  My mom tried to be a good person all the time. Perhaps in the eyes of others, she was.  In my eyes she was a flawed individual with a giving heart.  She wasn't perfect but neither am I.  She liked telling people, "I looked just like Debbie when I was her age."  I hated it every time she said that.  Now? Well, I don't mind it now.  I don't mind that she thought we were built from the same mold.  My flawed mother was a good woman with a lot to offer.  Many saw it. Many admired it. Many will miss her.  I will miss her.

I told a neighbor that my mom passed away.  She said something profound that I will never forget: "Your mom loved life.  She just wasn't able to ENJOY it anymore."  I believe that's why she finally let eternal sleep take over.  If you stop enjoying what you love, it's time to move on.  My mom has moved on.  She is in a better place.  She has TWO legs now.  She is with her mom and dad and other people that know and love her.  I will see her again some day.  And maybe THEN we will have that close relationship I'd always wanted.

Thanksgiving 2016
34 hours before she passed

Did I do enough?  Could I have done more?  Could I have been better? Was it enough?  Yes.  And I will continue to do more, be better, give 'enough' so that others will feel loved and accepted like my mom tried to do.  We all want to be loved.  We all want to be needed.  Don't let another day pass without making someone feel loved.  Reach out to that person that may appear lonely.  Embrace them.  Accept them for who they are. We can help someone else not feel so alone.  Sometimes we feel alone but please always remember, and never forget, we are NEVER ALONE even when we are by ourselves.  People are with us....even when we can't see them.

I love you, Mom.
Love,

Debbie